I’m going through a faze right now where my youngest sees my illness and has now decided that she has multiple personality disorder. She acts like these other entity’s are in control of her and of course they are all mischievous or not good personalities and they don’t listen to me either. She’s mimicking my disorder so she has an excuse to misbehave but she has convinced herself that it’s real even though it is very obviously all an act. I’m afraid that I’m a bad influence on her behavior and that if she believes wholeheartedly that she really has multiple personality disorder then she will not allow anyone else’s opinion be it professional or not to convince her that she is ok. All of this is my fault. If she wasn’t exposed to my illness she would not be acting like this. I don’t know what to do except get out of her life so she stops imitating me and maybe she will get better without me around influencing her actions. I’m so lost and so sad that this is what I have done to her just by being sick.
I’m having delusions and anxiety and unable to sleep or accomplish anything for the past week . Even worse II have started to take my meds at night again because I cannot shut my brain down and my anxiety is just out of control. I’m writing this to put the spotlight on my bad behavior ( the meds) so that I hold my self accountable and stop doing what I’m am doing and straighten my head and heart back out. I need to get back the process and success I had started to form so maybe one day I can experience happiness and enjoy my time with my family again before I miss my chance. Wish me luck
The new way of committing suicide I believe is to keep allowing life to add pressure when you know that you can’t handle anything else at the time. We have to prioritize our own state of wellbeing before we can continue to add issues and stress to our already overwhelmed bodies and minds.
Now I know things like to happen all at once but we have to respect the fact that relapse or worse is bound to happen if we don’t put some stuff down and deal only with what is absolutely essential. And sometimes that means going back into the hospital in order to just make it all stop and sort through the really important tasks until you have a clear view of things. We know the voices never really give good advice but sometimes it just seems like everything they are saying holds some merit in a weird sort of way.
So why is it so hard to ask for help? For me it was my daughter’s 10th birthday and her crying because she didn’t want mommy to go away. I didn’t go to the hospital. I should have gone nothing has really changed since last Wednesday night. I’m still under immense pressure between work home life, the kids and my husband there’s nothing I can just put to the side without backlash or major issues arising from doing so.
I don’t really know what I need to do now, but maybe I’ll figure it out before it actually kills me (mentally, emotionally, and otherwise). I am still entertaining the hospital avenue but I really hope something gives so that I don’t have to. I would like to think that if it’s truly the right place for me to survive then I’ll know and go without hesitation but if I fall into another delusions I might not be able to see the dire situation I’m in.
If you have a friend who’s always in the pressure cooker and seems a bit depressed or overwhelmed be sure to tell them that there is help for them all the time and you’d be happy to lend an ear if they need one.
When I think about my life consistency is not a word I would ever use. However one word that is consistent in my life is change. I am consistently going through change and I don’t do change well. I am truly sorry to everyone internet and physical folks for anything I post over the next few months. I am about to go through some life altering moments that deal with my mental physical emotional and professional life and I don’t feel very confident in how things are going to play out and how I will respond to them.
I don’t know if I will be back to post soon but keep your eyes peeled and I’ll fill you in when Life stops trying to come crashing down all around me