I woke up and thought today’s a good day, only to find out it was just the start of a week long delusion. I received an email from my healthcare provider and I of course took to the website to check out what I was getting in regards to healthcare for the money we pay to have insurance. Once I see the odd company’s name listed with no provider shown I began to question things. I looked up the company and figured out what they do but somewhere in my reading, my schizoaffective kicked in and I was down the rabbit hole.
Before I realized what was happening my paranoia made it’s presence know and by the end of the day I was convinced people were studying me and companies were tampering with my medication. I didn’t know what to do. I knew everyone would think I was crazy if I said anything, so I didn’t say anything. However hiding a delusion and constant paranoia is more difficult that it looks, and I was beginning to show in everything I did. That’s when I told my husband what my problem was and listened to how crazy the idea sounded. He was super supportive and understanding, reminding me that it was the schizoaffective talking and how things will get better if I just keep reminding myself of that.
I took nearly a week and I still don’t totally disbelieve my scenario to be untrue, but I believe it enough to get through today without it tearing me down. Sometimes I just have to remind myself in the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important, and I have nothing these companies need that they can’t get on their own using a paid research participants. It’s not a solution to my symptoms but it surely does alleviate some of the residual exhaustion the symptoms produce. For me that’s better than nothing.
-Schiz & Giggles