Looking forward to the future

While I may have been a bit depressed in the past about a future that included schizoaffective disorder as a diagnosis in my mental health I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since January when I began taking loxapine, things are starting to improve. I have been able to get a job and keep it for 3 months, as well as excel in my job expectations. I’m now at a point where I’m only seeing my psychiatrist every 6-8 weeks instead of monthly and I have not been able to do that for years. I’m excited to see the improvements I have made and I’m looking forward to what my future may hold despite the diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder. I no longer feel like it’s a death sentence and I hope that this post will encourage others to keep fighting for their mental health regardless of what your diagnosis is. Positive things are out there you just have to keep searching for them no matter what your past has produced. I’m going to keep posting my blog to give hope to those who have yet to find their answer to show you that it is possible to get a normal life back. Remember this has taken 10 years for me to get to this point but you will not get here if you give up on yourself. Chins up and smiles on.

I have a job!!!

I got hired at CVS in March and I have been doing so well with it. My symptoms have drastically improved and I am gaining some strength and self confidence back. I could not be happier! Just wanted to share this so you can see the possibilities that are out there even with the diagnosis, you just can’t give up,

Finding who I am supposed to be

Looking at the past searching deep inside my mind hoping for a glimpse of who my disorder seems to hide. She got lost in my mind somewhere along the way, between the doctors and the time that swallowed her entirely. Now I’m staring at a stranger but somehow remember her in my mind. She was bold and she was feisty and she was so completely kind. All that is left of her is a shell of fleshy waste. A body with a soul that most are scared to face. That girl could do anything and she didn’t have any fears but now all that’s left are the voices that she hears. Voices that keep reminding her of how deeply she failed in life only playing over again her failures and the strife. But I’m not giving up on releasing her once more. She maybe be locked up inside my mind but I keep looking for the door. The door that will open up who I used to be and let her out of the cage so she can live freely. Banishing all the fears, self loathing, and the hate, melting the ice that froze her heart that once had sealed her fate. Allowing her to love more deeply than before, all she has to do is spread her wings and soar.

The girl locked inside

Trapt

I need to go away before my kids get screwed up so much it can’t be fixed

I’m going through a faze right now where my youngest sees my illness and has now decided that she has multiple personality disorder. She acts like these other entity’s are in control of her and of course they are all mischievous or not good personalities and they don’t listen to me either. She’s mimicking my disorder so she has an excuse to misbehave but she has convinced herself that it’s real even though it is very obviously all an act. I’m afraid that I’m a bad influence on her behavior and that if she believes wholeheartedly that she really has multiple personality disorder then she will not allow anyone else’s opinion be it professional or not to convince her that she is ok. All of this is my fault. If she wasn’t exposed to my illness she would not be acting like this. I don’t know what to do except get out of her life so she stops imitating me and maybe she will get better without me around influencing her actions. I’m so lost and so sad that this is what I have done to her just by being sick.

I’m starting to slip up

I’m having delusions and anxiety and unable to sleep or accomplish anything for the past week . Even worse II have started to take my meds at night again because I cannot shut my brain down and my anxiety is just out of control. I’m writing this to put the spotlight on my bad behavior ( the meds) so that I hold my self accountable and stop doing what I’m am doing and straighten my head and heart back out. I need to get back the process and success I had started to form so maybe one day I can experience happiness and enjoy my time with my family again before I miss my chance. Wish me luck

Letting Go So I Can Let God
😳
See I told y’all I need to get some sleep 😴