The pressure death

The new way of committing suicide I believe is to keep allowing life to add pressure when you know that you can’t handle anything else at the time. We have to prioritize our own state of wellbeing before we can continue to add issues and stress to our already overwhelmed bodies and minds.

Now I know things like to happen all at once but we have to respect the fact that relapse or worse is bound to happen if we don’t put some stuff down and deal only with what is absolutely essential. And sometimes that means going back into the hospital in order to just make it all stop and sort through the really important tasks until you have a clear view of things. We know the voices never really give good advice but sometimes it just seems like everything they are saying holds some merit in a weird sort of way.

So why is it so hard to ask for help? For me it was my daughter’s 10th birthday and her crying because she didn’t want mommy to go away. I didn’t go to the hospital. I should have gone nothing has really changed since last Wednesday night. I’m still under immense pressure between work home life, the kids and my husband there’s nothing I can just put to the side without backlash or major issues arising from doing so.

I don’t really know what I need to do now, but maybe I’ll figure it out before it actually kills me (mentally, emotionally, and otherwise). I am still entertaining the hospital avenue but I really hope something gives so that I don’t have to. I would like to think that if it’s truly the right place for me to survive then I’ll know and go without hesitation but if I fall into another delusions I might not be able to see the dire situation I’m in.

If you have a friend who’s always in the pressure cooker and seems a bit depressed or overwhelmed be sure to tell them that there is help for them all the time and you’d be happy to lend an ear if they need one.

Holding on to what I’ve got. Even if it kills me,

Schiz & Giggles

The Delusions.

We must not go it alone.

       I woke up and thought today’s a good day, only to find out it was just the start of a week long delusion. I received an email from my healthcare provider and I of course took to the website to check out what I was getting in regards to healthcare for the money we pay to have insurance. Once I see the odd company’s name listed with no provider shown I began to question things. I looked up the company and figured out what they do but somewhere in my reading, my schizoaffective kicked in and I was down the rabbit hole.

        Before I realized what was happening my paranoia made it’s presence know and by the end of the day I was convinced people were studying me and companies were tampering with my medication. I didn’t know what to do. I knew everyone would think I was crazy if I said anything, so I didn’t say anything. However hiding a delusion and constant paranoia is more difficult that it looks, and I was beginning to show in everything I did. That’s when I told my husband what my problem was and listened to how crazy the idea sounded. He was super supportive and understanding, reminding me that it was the schizoaffective talking and how things will get better if I just keep reminding myself of that.

        I took nearly a week and I still don’t totally disbelieve my scenario to be untrue, but I believe it enough to get through today without it tearing me down.  Sometimes I just have to remind myself in the grand scheme of things, I am just not that important, and I have nothing these companies need that they can’t get on their own using a paid research participants. It’s not a solution to my symptoms but it surely does alleviate some of the residual exhaustion the symptoms produce. For me that’s better than nothing.

-Schiz & Giggles